I’m sitting here anticipating leaving this weekend for an anniversary trip with my husband. We’re celebrating 20 years of marriage with a fun-filled week away. Beneath all the excitement of the trip, what I find myself reflecting on most is our marriage and how thankful I am for it. To be where we are after 20 years, I know that marriage is worth the work.
Reaching this milestone hasn’t happened by chance or luck. Instead, we are happily married after all these years because we have worked hard on our relationship. We both see the importance of improving our marriage and are committed to making it the best it can be.
Marriage is worth the work of trying to improve
If I’m honest, I owe most of the credit for working on our marriage to my husband. I am blessed with a husband who constantly wants to evaluate and improve our relationship. He often asks me what I think is going well in our marriage, what I want to change and what he could do to be a better husband. I love that he reflects on these things and spends time wanting to improve. Our marriage has reaped the benefits of his determination and willingness to improve.
Marriage is worth the work of tackling hard topics
One of the hardest things to do in a marriage is to talk about the sensitive and uncomfortable topics. Couples tend to stay away from bringing up subjects like household responsibilities, sex, and finances because they are afraid of starting conflict. The trouble is that choosing not to talk about something doesn’t make it go away. A marriage, like any long-term relationship, is going to suffer from disagreements, conflicts of interest, changes in priority and differing opinions.
Over the years we’ve learned how to bring up and discuss sensitive topics. We’ve learned how to talk and even argue about things in a sensitive and respectful way. Do we always follow that? No. We certainly still have times when tensions arise and feelings get hurt. We still have times when we say hurtful things and immediately regret it. The difference is that we are constantly working on improving how we talk to each other and how we listen. We are working on how to bring up issues with the other person’s feelings in mind. Most importantly, since conflicts will always be a part of relationships, we are working on how to resolve tensions more quickly.
Marriage is worth learning to compromise
Possibly the biggest thing we have worked on in our marriage is compromise. A happy marriage is a lot of work and not likely to happen without learning to compromise. We often need to compromise on how we spend our time, the priority of resources, decisions in raising kids and lifestyle choices. The reason compromise is hard is that you will not get your way and you will not get exactly what you want. However, you will get a version of what you want and, most importantly, a stronger and happier relationship.
Compromise is not about losing. It is about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do.
Donna Martini
I’m so thankful for reaching this anniversary milestone and I can’t wait to continue on and see what life has in store for us. I appreciate my husband and how he works on our marriage in so many ways…reflecting on ways to improve, discussing hard topics with respect and being willing to compromise. I believe our marriage is happy and thriving because of the work we’ve poured into it.
There are so many benefits and so much goodness that can come from a marriage that is invested in and cultivated. It can be hard work but there are few things that result in such a great reward. A happy marriage is worth the work and I will continue to work for this one.
Challenge for this week:
Try one of these things to work on your marriage:
Bring up and discuss hard topics and sources or tension (preferably when you are not in an argument)
Reflect on your marriage and take time thinking about how it can improve
Read books on marriage and relationships, both alone and together. These are some of our favorites: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Attend a marriage conference together
Seek community support and people whose marriage you admire that you can turn to for counsel
Don’t give up!