How do you feel about parenting teens? Do you see the good in the teenage years or are you struggling to find joy? It’s an interesting time with so many changing dynamics. I am right in the thick of it and have been reflecting on the current stage of life I find myself in.
My children are both teenagers (15 and 17) and busy with life in high school. I now have one child who drives and another who will soon be on the road. My husband and I are both well established in our careers and finding ourselves with more time alone as a couple. Our family dynamics are changing.
While sometimes I feel sadness and nostalgia for the childhood stage that has passed, I often feel like we are in the sweet spot of parenting. I see so much good in the teenage years and am learning to embrace the positive aspects of this stage.
Most people may not consider the teenage years the “sweet spot” of parenting. Admittedly, I feel like we are blessed with children who seem to be handling the trials and temptations of this stage quite well. I know this is not the case for everyone and that the teenage years can seem more like an unending trial than a sweet spot for many. Whatever your situation, I encourage you to try and see the good in the teenage years by reflecting on these observations.
You’re All Together
One of the things I love about the teenage years is that we are all still home and together under one roof. A year from now we will be getting my son ready for college. I’ll be spending my summer packing him up to move out of our home and live on his own for the first time. When I think about that, I can quickly be overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness for what our home will be like without him. I can’t imagine him not being here doing his homework, coming and going with friends and eating family dinners with us. So, instead, I try and enjoy every minute that he’s still here and that we’re all living under one roof.
The worst thing kids do is grow up, turn into lovely people you genuinely adore, and then move out of your house.
Melanie Shankle, author of On the Bright Side
This time that we have together as a family seems more finite to me than ever before. I love that we are all here doing life together. We come and go our separate ways more than ever before, but we always come back home. We have this limited amount of time together to share ideas, instill values, work and play. This time together is precious and I try not to take it for granted. You, too, can see the good in the teenage years by making the most of your time together and realizing that it will not last forever.
Teens are More Independent
One of the best aspects of parenting teens is that they are relatively independent. If anyone has forgotten how much work it is to parent a toddler or young child, I suggest you babysit someone under the age of 10 for a day. Recently, I watched my 8 year old nephew for an afternoon and I was reminded just how happy I am to be in the teenage years of parenting. Don’t get me wrong, I love my nephew and the younger years with my kids were some of the happiest of my life. But I feel like I’ve been there and done that. I have moved on.
Now, I’m used to quieter times, a cleaner house and everyone being together but doing their own thing independently. As teenagers, my kids can make themselves a meal, keep track of their own homework, monitor their time, find things to do and clean up after themselves. They can make decisions for themselves and understand consequences.
When our children are young we spend so much of our time and energy doing things for them. They are dependent on us for almost everything. Then, as they grow, they become more independent and need us in different ways. My children still need me (thankfully) but, now, for things like advice, wisdom, coaching and help with boundaries. I’m finding that I love my role as their mentor as well as their mother. I enjoy guiding them instead of pulling them. Their personalities and character shine as they make more decisions for themselves and take more responsibility. I used to be scared of how I would feel if my kids didn’t need me anymore. Would I be less of a mother? What I’m finding is that I see the good in the teenage years because they need me in different ways and, in some ways, not at all.
Teens Form Their Own Ideas and Opinions
I love to debate. I’m someone who enjoys deep conversations about important things. I like to talk about relationships, the news, faith and feelings. What I love about having teenagers is that we can talk about these important things and have adult conversations. Our relationship is deeper and stronger because we can share our ideas and opinions.
When my kids were young I would try to shield them from hard topics. I wanted to protect them from knowing certain things too early or hearing things that would scare them. I remember speaking in code with my husband so the kids wouldn’t hear us or spelling things out so they couldn’t understand. We would save the adult conversation for times when the kids were sleeping or out of hearing range.
Now that my kids are older, our relationship has changed and we share so many meaningful conversations. We can debate opinions in a way that is open and less guarded. I love to hear their thoughts, even if they’re different from my own. I learn from them and I get to see who they are becoming inside. Their teenage minds have developed their own opinions, their own feelings and their own fears. We sometimes disagree and I’m ok with that too. What I love and what I see as so good about parenting through these teenage years is the development of intellectual independence in a time when we can still guide as parents. It is a joy and a privilege.
Reconnecting in Marriage
From about the age of 13, our kids started spending more and more time with their friends. This can be time with friends at our house or out for the night. Either way, what this means is more time for my husband and I as a couple. Once the teenage years hit, we went from needing to find a sitter to needing to find something to do!
This change in dynamics is probably more pronounced for me than for my husband. As a mother, I put so much time and energy into loving and taking care of my kids. I was often the primary caregiver while my husband worked, and this meant that so much of myself was given to my role as a mother. Unfortunately, my role as a wife was often put in second place. I am not saying that is a good thing or that I’m proud of that, but I think it is the reality for many moms.
With our kids now older and more independent, we have more time to focus on our marriage. Our relationship has changed, in a good way, and we continue to grow closer. We have more date nights, more walks together and more time to talk. We spend more time together as a couple. I love this part of parenting teenagers!
Friends and Hobbies Bring Variety
An interesting shift takes place when your kids get older. Instead of being in control of all their activities, sports, play dates and friends, you suddenly find yourself surprised by their own choices for all these things. They bring home friends from school that you haven’t met and don’t know their parents. They sign up for classes and sports that you never knew they had an interest in. You often find them trying new things and introducing you to things you’ve never heard of before.
This variety is what makes the teenage years interesting! I love meeting and getting to know their friends. I’ve watched sports I knew nothing about and gone to concerts, plays and meetings I never thought I would attend. I’ve learned about culture and music and style. All of these things have added so much richness to my life. I find myself learning from their choices instead of always choosing what they learn.
These years of parenting teenagers certainly have challenges. My emotions swing heavily day to day. Some nights I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking about the years when they were young and how quickly they’ve grown. Yet, mostly, I find myself loving the stage that we’re in. I see so many positive things in the way our dynamics have changed. My hope is that you, too, can choose to see the good in the teenage years and cherish this parenting sweet spot.
Challenge for this week:
Make a list of the positive things you are able to do now that your child is older.
Reflect on the time you have together and try to cherish it before it’s gone.
Listen to the unique ideas and opinions of your teen with an open mind.
Take time to reconnect with relationships that have been put on the back burner.
Embrace the variety your teen brings to your life.