This has been a challenging year for me. My sixteen year old seems like he has grown not only inches per day in height but also worlds away in maturity and independence. My daughter, and my youngest, has just turned thirteen. This officially makes me a mom to two teenagers. The thing is, that it is not just their age and physical size that catches me off guard. It is also the distinct change in the dynamics of our relationships. Why is it so hard to see good in kids growing up?
I have always loved being a mom and have found so much fulfillment in that role. I’ve loved serving my kids, providing for them and being needed by them. When they were younger, my days revolved around their needs, both physical and emotional. My favorite times were being with them. I know that they looked forward to any time we could plan together for family time. We all loved outings, game nights, movie nights, night-time tuck ins, lazy summer afternoons and trips to the library. It seems like at every age and stage they have gone through I’ve said, “This is my favorite age”.
Now I find myself questioning how I feel about this stage. For the first time I have mixed emotions and I think it is due to selfish notions on my part. I believe the purpose of raising children is to help them become responsible and independent adults someday. That’s the goal, right? We don’t raise them hoping that they’ll stay dependent and needy of us forever, do we? I know the changes that are taking place are good and right and as they are meant to be. I just have to adjust my perspective and my own mindset to accept the changes. Then I will find joy in the young adults my children are becoming. Then I will see the good in my kids growing up.
How do we change our perspective?
The challenge for me is that the maturing I see in my kids brings a bit of sadness to me for what we have lost. I feel a thrilling joy in seeing my teenage son start to drive and see him dream of the freedom that a license will bring. However, at the same time part of me is thinking of all the times we’ll miss in the car together. I won’t need to drive him to friends’ houses, sports practices and to and from school. I love seeing that both of my children are now old enough to make themselves dinner and put themselves to bed. It makes me happy to know that they are responsible and independent enough to take care of themselves. However, does this mean that they don’t need me to take care of them anymore?
For so long I have hoped and prayed for my kids to have good, strong and meaningful friendships. My desire is for them to find friends they can trust and confide in, who would bring out the best in them, and appreciate them for who they are. Be careful what you wish for! Now it feels like I can barely keep them home, away from friends and social activities, long enough to have a meaningful conversation. Sometimes I feel like I’m standing in the corner waving a sign that says, “I’m over here. What about me?”
There is so much good in kids growing up
When I step back and look at the changes that are taking place, I evaluate my feelings and find is a lot of joy and pride. But also, some misplaced self-pity. The changes taking place in my kids are all part of the normal path of growing up. Becoming more responsible, desiring independence and putting a high value on a social interactions are all positive things. I’m so thankful to see these traits in my children. What I’m learning is that it is my perspective that needs to change and grow too. I need to start accepting this growth for the good thing that it is.
There are so many positive aspects of my relationships with my teens and many new things to love about this stage of their lives. For instance, there are deeper adult conversations, insights into their thoughts and opinions that are different from my own, getting to know their friends and having them give back more when help is needed. I need to stop feeling sorry for the time I’m missing with them and, instead, choose to see new ways to fill that time and that purpose that I desire.
Through a year of witnessing change and growth in my kids, I’ve realized that they do still need me, but just in a different way. I sometimes feel like a coach and motivator, sometimes a listener, sometimes a friend, and often still a driver, supplier, cook and disciplinarian. In all these roles I feel great love and gratitude. I’m learning to say, “This, too, is my favorite age”.
Remember, the goal is not to raise great kids; it’s to raise kids who become great adults.
Andy Andrews
Challenge for this week:
- Ask your children, what are your favorite things that we do together?
- Tell your children what you are proud of them for
- Envision the next 5 years for your children and what you’d like your role and involvement to be.